Would You Like Fries With That?

TW: Creeps and why women will always choose the bear

Sigh, if it’s one thing that’s going to put a damper on the mood it’s the FONC (Friend of No Cunt). The FONC is usually pretty easy to identify. He’s the sycophantic try-hard, the walking red flag – like Nigel Nae Mates but with a seedier, creepier side. Sometimes mistaken as a harmless misfit, a bit of a loser but not an actual problem until you encounter the FONC who comes with a side of whiney, ‘I’m a nice guy, but girls are only interested in bad boys’, incel-esque banter. Well, shit didn’t I find myself one of those.

Staying in a winter resort in the off season generally means the patronage is few. In this case, I arrived, a day late due to flight delays leaving Goteborg, on the same flight from Helsinki as sénior creeper. Who, despite being an American (first red flag – sorry folks but MAGA kind of ruined it for y’all) I struck up a conversation with in the shuttle bus. El Creepo was staying in Lapland for nine days and had two giant duffel bags and a khaki military style back-pack (second red flag – who needs that much luggage?). He was also about five foot nothing with a shaved head, bandy legs and eyes like Patrick Clancy (third red flag). But who am I to be rude, so with the restaurant open to catch the two of us from the late flight I invited him to sit with me.

He had no plans, whereas I had signed on to every activity the resort had to offer and showed him my itinerary for inspiration. He booked onto all my activities, including my sacred sauna booking (MAJOR RED FLAG). And then for the next three days he proceeded to wait for me outside the cabin to walk to breakfast and then did not leave my side until the evening activities (often conducted between 21:00 and midnight) were concluded. I managed a brief escape when it turned out he could not ride a bike, not even an electric assisted one, crashing first into the right gully, then the left gully and then finally over the handlebars proper (RED FUCKING FLAG). I opted to continue the ride in the torrential downpour than accompany him back to the resort. The problem was when I got back to my cabin, had showered and finally got into bed at 1 in the morning he knocked on my door to tell me he was fine, by the way (BRIGHT FUCKING RED FLAG).

He was back the next morning knocking on the door because it was 0800 and was I ready to go to breakfast. I was not. I told him to give me a few minutes, and he impatiently knocked on the door again when those few minutes had passed (VERY ANNOYING RED FLAG). We had a busy itinerary that day and before long the sauna booking approached. I was busy chatting to some fellow Australian’s I had met in the dining hall, just kind of hoping that he would forget about the booking. Instead, he came to fetch me, it was already 30 minutes into the time slot.

I should have just said I don’t want to do this with you but here I am, trying not to hurt people’s feelings. By now I had learned that he was, virtually unemployed and living with his mother. He didn’t need to work because his dead father had left him an inheritance he’s done nothing with except buy a plot of land in Vermont that was too rocky and steep to build on. His last relationship ended in 2015 and that he’d moved to Kentucky following this woman. He’d studied counter-terrorism online and was training at a ninja dojo (YES, I KNOW, THAT’S A WHOLE PARAGRAPH OF RED FLAGS). Worse though, he was deploying the laws of attraction to find ‘ the one’ he could spend the rest of his life with.

And now I was trapped in a hot sweaty box while he touched my leg and arm to ask me about my tattoos. I moved away from him to create distance between us. He told me his were all Viking symbols because he had Scandinavian blood and that’s why he chose to come to Finland.

Side bar: The Vikings did not venture to Finnish Lapland, they were predominantly in the south, and when they did sail north it was to Norway and the UK. So fucking do your research pal.

He told me that fate had bought us together because we would never have met if my flight wasn’t delayed. He said we had a frequency match and that I held positive energy (news to me, I’m usually called a somewhat negative person) and that the aurora borealis (northern lights) had drawn us both here. By this point, I had drawn my knees to my chest and were hugging them to myself in a seated foetal position. Don’t you want to put down roots somewhere, make home and be with someone who would love and care for you? No, sir I would not. Besides, a husband? I’ve already got one!

Usually this puts dudes in their boxes, something about a post already pissed on but in this case Monsieur Incel doubled down on his quest to be seen as partner material. He was vocal about all that he brings to the table, in his words, ‘he knows his worth’. And it was the hand on the knee that did it. I finally snapped at him that I do not believe in fate, and I was not looking for any variation of happily ever after. He sulked. What about friends then? Well I had three more days with this prick so I relented and said, sure, we can be friends.

The next day, I kept conversation at small talk, but he dredged up the previous evening, said we had connected and shared vulnerable moments which is a wild misinterpretation of my rant about marriage being only beneficial to men folk and not women. He pressed me again on how well we got along, and that he had never met anyone like me and he was sure I had never met anyone like him before. Because he is unique. Uh-huh.

I said to him, no I’m not interested. I went back to my cabin, was showering to get warm after another freezing hike when knocking again. ‘No, go away!’ I called. He sent me a Whatsapp ‘will you at least talk to me before you run away.’ I hid in the bathroom until I was sure he’d left my door before reaching for my phone. I drafted a firm message which included ‘you are making me uncomfortable’ and ‘your feelings are not reciprocated’. I ran it past a trusted guy friend to see if the message was clear to a mere male. Yep, send it. So I did. Six messages flurried back in reply. I haven’t opened them, or Whatsapp.

The next morning on the way to breakfast he walked up to me and handed me a note. FFS, leave me alone. He was sorry, will I forgive him etc. Fucking hell. I sat by myself pointedly away from him. I called my bestie. We had bad Wifi but I kept talking to the phone when the call dropped out. I joined the activity at the last second. There was another couple on the bus, chatty folk who engaged the guide so I didn’t have to think. We got back to the resort and I skipped lunch and went back to the cabin. I chatted with my friend now on a better connection. I read a book. Reluctantly I left for dinner and he found me again to tell me, I may not think much of him but he will ‘never forget me’ and the time we had together means something. I didn’t respond. I called another friend to talk to through dinner so he wouldn’t come near me. I leave tomorrow, and I’ve asked to move my transfer earlier.

I won’t let him ruin my week, or my experience of Finnish Lapland but fuck me am I going to be glad to put a few thousand kilometres between us. Gentlemen, this is not how it’s done.