Would You Like Fries With That?

I was once told I would never be a fighter jet pilot because I am bradycardic, this same symptom means I’ve also been told I have the cardiac health of a marathon runner or lifelong yoga practitioner. I have inferred that this means my heart is suited to sports where movement is slow (my marathon pace being easier to measure in whole days rather than hours). Naturally, with this knowledge what I really want to do is go really fast. Around a lot of bends.

When I walked into Porsche in Fortitude Valley and told the sales rep I wanted to drive the Nordschleife he was like, ‘yeah, ok, what’s your racing experience?’ to which I asked, ‘do speeding tickets count?’. He laughed. I laughed. But no, like seriously – what’s your racing experience? None. But like I hiked Everest with no hiking experience with obvious success (read: was medivac’d), so this is like same same right? No, the insurance alone would be 40,000 EURO. As I’m saving my kidney for other critical expenses this meant hiring a 911 to race the Green Hell was officially off the table.

In fact, most hire companies specifically exclude racetracks in their terms and conditions. I checked, for both the Porsche and the BMW – wonder what the Touareg would have said? Or the old Kia Carnival we hired in WA for that matter. Still, I felt with two days on the autobahn and one on a skid pan at home in my Volvo XC30 I was more than equipped to handle the tourist lap. You can of course drive your own car on the Nordschleife any day the track is open – and I did actually consider buying a car for a day simply to do this. I’m sure for the $500 I spent renting the BMW I could have scored a fully sick Vauxhall Astra.

What I did end up going with was a Mercedes AMG GT R (wow, so cool, how? that must have cost a few internal organs?) … co-piloted (read: driven) by my own personal Stig (his name was Chris).

But for those of you who aren’t petrol heads or adrenaline junkies let me walk it back a bit. I LOVE Top Gear. Not whatever bullshit is on now, but Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May. These men, their humour, their antics, their undeniable passion (autism) for cars is everything. I’ve seen all the specials, had the DVDs, watched the show, read their books, and had an embarrassing amount of merch for an 18-year-old girl. BBC at its finest, save Doctor Who, and Torchwood, and Sherlock and Midsommer Murders and Miss Marple and Yes Minister and the Inspector Lindley series – ok, just give me back 2000s era BBC.

My point is, I’m not a serious motorsport fan, I only know of the Nürburgring because of Top Gear. I kind of knew the Grand Prix (formula 1) racing was stopped on the ring in the 70s because it was too dangerous with Niki Lauda’s crash in 76 officially putting an end to that. Even if your private vehicle today is a formula one you would be excluded from racing the ring. I say ‘the’ ring but there’s actually the Nordschleife (north), Südschleife (south) together as the Gesamtstrecke and wee warm up track, the Ziel/Beton schleife. In any case, aside from a handful of names; Lauda, Jackie Stewart (who coined the term Green Hell) and Micheal Schumacher (generally regarded as the best in the sport) I just don’t be vibing Grand Prix racing. As a Porsche 911 fan, I be vibing GT racing.

GT racing is broken into four classes 1-4 of high performance, production-based sports cars heavily modified for competitive racing. This weekend the Nürburgring is hosting DTM Race 11 & 12 with three events: the ADAC GT4 Germany, the Porsche Sixt Carrera Cup Deutschland and the BMW M2 Cup. As part of the backstage tour we walked through the pits and stood trackside while the cars and drivers were being tested. The ADAC GT4 is a kind of ‘road to GT racing’ with novice drivers looking to make a break into GT3 racing. Australia has one dude competing, Lachlan Robinson racing a Porsche 718 Cayman GT4 RS CS. Both the Porsche and BMW Cups put the same car on the road for all drivers; the 2026 Porsche 911 GTR 3 (my dream car, pls and thank you), and the 2026 BMW M2 Racing.

Australia has Caleb Sumich racing in the Porsche Cup (pictured above), placing 2nd Rookie in Round 1 already. Literal goosebumps watching the warm-up laps. But you didn’t come here for a history of GT racing.

You wanna know if I spewed during the tourist lap – well I didn’t. I went full Mario kart and locked in. Which is to say I’ve never been so sweaty, I clenched my fists so tight I think I developed necrosis in my right hand due to lack of blood flow, my face was very flushed, the rest of me very pale. Holding my head up with a racing helmet on in those corners was like balancing a bowling ball on my pinkie finger. I think both my shoulders wanted to escape out my back after hitting the harness. My stomach has still not reunited with my body. The top speed I clocked on the dash was 230. The slowest about 64 trying to get out from behind other drivers. Because yes, you’re not the only idiot trying to do this. Someone in a motherfucking van was out there for Swift and Shift couriers, a few convertibles on a Sunday drive, a Mazda CX3 with its hazards on the whole time. I was bloody glad to have Chris’s experience – watch these drivers are crazy, there’s oil on the road did you see it, hold up I don’t know what their problem is, slow car – so stupid!

I thought if I can survive this 10-minute lap, I can do anything. Like maybe sit down for a minute.